I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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