So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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