I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
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