There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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