Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
