For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
