I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
