well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
