i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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