I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
