so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Randomize
