I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
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You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
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Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.