You made me cry and you don't even care
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
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