my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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