everyone is single if you try hard enough
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
