My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
