If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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