What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
