No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
