we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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