a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
