Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
We had sex on a dog bed..
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
there is puke in my bra ... again
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
