I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
