Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
