whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
