What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
