I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
