I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
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