My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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