I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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