Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
