i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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