so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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