You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize