i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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