Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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