this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
