it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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