moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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