and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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