So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize