every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
