So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
