friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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