On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
