my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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