i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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