Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
