My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
