She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
