at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
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of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
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Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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