You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Green mimosas i think yes
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
