Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
