shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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