I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
