She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
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There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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